My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
