So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
