It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
