Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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