I feel great
I just peed on a car
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
