when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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