if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
