Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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