You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Farmville is her only friend.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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