Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
