I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
