You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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