I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
