So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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