my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
