I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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