She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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