i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
