So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize