I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
