dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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