I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
