Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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