He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
