She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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