she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
