guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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