No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
