There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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