Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
