I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
