Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
