turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
