Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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