I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
