I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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