So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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