He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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