You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
