I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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