found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
