Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Farmville is her only friend.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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