the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
