I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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