there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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