im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
