How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
