My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
