The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
