The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
