the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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