quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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