why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
