Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
