i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
