WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
