but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
