You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
