My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
