what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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