In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
